Reconviction

Watched Francis Chan's goodbye sermon today for ideas about what to say in mine.  Francis Chan is one of my go-to guys: wonderful preacher, serious man of God. What God remembers, that I never do, is that I don't get ideas from Chan. I get convicted. Every single time, because he is a serious man of God who is also a wonderful preacher, rather than the other way around.

Chan's sermon was really about wholeheartedly surrendering your life to God, trusting that the Bible is both true and the source of real life. He believes that, and lives it. So I didn't come away with a sermon idea -- I can't be Chan -- but I did remember how little I have been steeping and surrendering, and how little Wonderful Husband (WH) and I have engaged in all-out, knee-scraping prayer about this thing we're doing. While I have trusted in the strength of my marriage, his and my ability to sustain our family financially, and God's general care for us, I have not trusted that God has a purpose in this, a mission that WH and I have to fulfill.

As long as I do not trust that God has a purpose in this, a mission for our family, God will not entrust us with it. Until I am truly ready to join with my family in this -- not just in the practical pieces, but in God's purpose -- I am as faithless as any agnostic, any pagan, any of those whom Christ condemns.

Father, please forgive me for taking all of this into my own hands. Forgive me for spending more time online than on my knees. Forgive me for worrying so much about the form and details of my leaving and so little on your Kingdom plan. Forgive me for hanging my guts on the demon in your church instead of the angels of fire you have provided. You have that in hand. You have released me from leading to focus on following.

May I be a serious woman of God. Convict me over and over until I no longer depend upon my own strength and only on yours. May I trust my husband when he sees something greater, and help him trust that you will provide.

Don't give me words, Lord. Give me your heart.